The follow song I wrote after a very bad dream, following a traumatic incident I encountered. I intended to spend half of my summer in New York doing an internship through NYU (about 7 years ago). Well, they weren’t very helpful as they had originally implied they would be; I had a hellish time trying to find an internship. When I finally did, I landed a sound person position on a small independent film shooting in New Jersey.
So I woke up bright ‘n early on the first Saturday of work. Taking the subway at 7 am, meeting an actress at her place, getting picked up and brought to the train station… but only the first happened. I noticed a few creepy guys on the way from the subway station to the actress’s apartment, so I went into the vestibule area of the building. Her name was not on the call box so I was okay to wait before I called her from my cell, for I was a few minutes early. Then a different guy (I had not previously seen) came in and started touching me, a lot. I yelled, “get the fuck off me,” pushing him off. He left and I thought I was safe. Only to realize a minute he stormed back into the vestibule, throwing me to the floor. All I could think to myself was: So this is what it feels like to be raped. He pinned me down, cupped my mouth, and said, “That’s all I wanted to say.” And quickly ran off. Some very nice neighborhood people came over afterwards to offer help; one (a taxi driver) even tried to track him down. After talking with the police and solved nothing, they took me back to the dorm.
I booked tickets for Miami immediately and went home that evening, nixing the entire internship that never felt right to begin with.
I had a dream a few nights later: I was an eight year old boy swimming in the shallow end of the backyard pool of my supposed house. My father (who wasn’t actually my real father) knew I had cancer and would soon endure much pain, dying shortly thereafter. To spare me of the agony, he shot me in the chest. As the water slowly turned to red, I uttered to myself: So this is what it feels like to die. Eerie. That’s where the following lyrics evolved from:
Four feet steep / Alone in waters deep
And all he wanted was some understanding
Some kind of hurt / Underneath his shirt
But nothing appeared but some reprimanding
And as he swam / Fear in his heart ran
And all he wanted was to be safe
A pain through his heart / Slowly tore him apart
And all he could think of to say
Was, “So this is what it feels like to leave
From the seas of pain to the moments of peace.”
And never again will he ever forget life
Since he finally learned what it feels like to dieAnd they sought / What they thought
That quicker was a better retort
Than to cure the hurt / Underneath his shirt
That would just be a wasted effort
The coldest shiver / Some father figure
And he never was found or saved
A pale, bright dream
For his endless sleep
And all he could think of to say
Was, “So this is what it feels like to leave
From the seas of pain to the moments of peace.”
And never again will he ever forget life
Since he finally learned what it feels like to dieThough, I don’t know why / I felt a part of me die
And sink into the stones and waves
Red water, white light / We were one last night
‘Cuz all I can think of to say
Is, “So this is what it feels like to leave
From the seas of pain to the moments of peace.”And never again will I ever forget life
Since I finally learned what it feels like to die
“So this is what it feels like to leave
From the seas of pain to the moments of peace.”
And never again will he ever forget life
Since he finally learned what it feels like to die
